In honor of last night's ESPY's, here's a recap of my weekend in Boston, award style.


Funniest Anti-Yankee Shirt
Winner: Derek Jeter Drinks Wine Coolers
It's not obscene, it's allowed into Fenway, and it made me giggle for at least 15 minutes.

Most Exciting Moment
Winner: Schilling Coming Out of the Bullpen on Thursday Night
and
Most Annoying Purple-Lipped Party Crasher
Winner: A-Rod
and
Quickest Mood Change
Thursday Night - Top of the Ninth Inning
Our seats for Thursday night's Sox/Yanks game were fantastic: four rows from the field just inside foul territory, ten people over from Pesky's Pole. The weather was perfect, the air smelled like baseball and I was back at Fenway - what could possibly go wrong? The Sox took an early 4-0 lead and I was able to sit back and enjoy my first night of the season at Fenway. And then the Yankees showed up. Bronson Arroyo, still recovering from his CD release party the evening before, looked less than sharp, and before we knew it, the game was tied. Fast forward to the top of the ninth. The clock read 10:05pm, Welcome to the Jungle began to blare out of the staticky Fenway speakers, the bullpen door swung open, and Curt Schilling made his way to the mound for the first time in months - and for the first time ever as a Red Sox reliever. Fenway was electric as the sold out crowd stood on their feet and let Curt know how happy they were to see him. And then A-Rod hit a two-run homerun and just like that, the game was over, the Yankees were a full game closer in the standings, and Schilling had earned the L. Thanks, A-Rod.

Second Most Exciting Moment
and
Most Unlikely Moment
Winner: Trot Nixon's Inside the Park Homerun
When you envision in your mind a critical Yankee error at Fenway resulting in three runs, you hope it comes at the hands of A-Rod or Captain Intangibles. When Melky Cabrera dove for, and missed, Trot Nixon's line drive into center field on Saturday night, it wasn't quite as sweet as if, say, Bernie Williams' wheelchair had flipped over in Center Field. Still, as Trot lumbered around the bases, and the ball rolled slowly across the warning track, everyone in the Sports Depot stood and screamed, "RUN!" It wasn't pretty, but as Trot crossed the plate and gasped for breath, we raised our drinks, clinked glasses, and prayed for a replay. Welcome to Fenway, Melky.

Most Irritating Lack of Judgement
Winner: Bronson Arroyo.
I don't care if the CD is full of cover songs. I don't care if you really do sound like Eddie Vedder. I don't care if 16 year-old girls are buying your CD by the carton. Your CD is lame, but I'm willing to let that extra-curricular activity slide as long as it's happening in the offseason. But a CD release party the night before a start against the Yankees? Not a good idea, dude.

Scene Most Desperately In Need of a Screencap
Winner: Bill Mueller's Grimace on Friday Night
If you know, you know. All I can say is...ouch.

Most Predictable
Winner: Bellhorn's homerun on Saturday
Up until that point, the Sox hadn't recorded a hit and their offense was MIA. With Bellhorn at the plate, I said to Claudia, "Watch Bellhorn be the one guy to get a hit. And watch him hit it out." The next pitch, boom - a straight shot over the Green Monster. Of course.
(I could practically see Steve's chest puffing out on the Monster as soon as the ball left the park.)

Drunkest Fans
Winner: The 4 Behind Us on Saturday
The couple behind me hit me on the head, hard, at least 4 times during the game. I know the seats are close, but come on - control yourself. But that's probably nothing compared to the guy behind Claudia and Dave, who spent the entire nine innings trying to put his hand up the skirt of his girlfriend.

Best Part of Fenway Park
Winner: Halfway through Thursday night's game, I realized what makes Fenway so much better than all of the new ballparks popping up across the country. The people in charge of making important decisions at Fenway understand that Red Sox fans like baseball, know baseball, understand baseball, and don't want to be treated like six-year-olds. There are no dot races, no obtrusive announcers telling us to cheer every five minutes, and no trivia contests encouraging me to guess the temperature. Instead, the scoreboard issues an interesting and informative fact or stat about each batter throughout the entire game. And between innings? Highlight films, comprised almost entirely of highlights from the magical 2004 season. It's what a night at a baseball game should be.

Worst Part of Fenway Park
Winner: The Johnny Damon Groupies
You know which fans I mean. They're the girls in tight shirts, often featuring clever wording such as "Johnny Damon Girl. Enough Said." They sit everywhere in Fenway, but are most easily found in close proximity to Center Field. They shriek things like, "Marry Me, Johnny!" or "OHMYGOD Johnny!" during inopportune moments, like when Johnny has just misplayed a ball in the warning track. But they can't be bothered with details. All they know is that Johnny Damon is now within 30 feet and if they're going to become his next wife, they've got to start screaming. (Part of me wishes the Red Sox would replace the current lineup with guys who look like Randy Johnson and John Kruk. Pink-hat-wearing girls all over Boston would stop following the team, leaving the very-hard-to-come-by Sox tickets to those of us who actually like the game of baseball. If I remember correctly, there weren't too many Phillies groupies waiting by Pete Incaviglia's car in 1993.)

Most Peanut Shells Caught In Chest Hair
Winner: The guy next to me at Fenway on Saturday. No question.

Biggest Discrepancy Between the ESPYs and This Weekend
Winner: The Performance of the Boston Red Sox
Last night, the Red Sox took home an award for "Best Team." This weekend? Not so much.

Best Beer
Winner: Yuengling Black and Tan
I had time to suck one down in the Philly airport during my short layover, and I swear I had almost forgotten how good it is. Almost.

Most Unfortunate Exclusion
Winner: Dirty Water
I listened to it on my iPOD on the plane ride home, but it wasn't quite the same as hearing it walking out of Fenway. Maybe next year.