Tonight, try this: Leave work and drive home like a maniac, swearing at every car in your path doing less than 50 mph. Race into the house, glancing at your watch as if your eyes could simply will time to stop. Throw down your belongings as you fling your front door open and race towards the TV. Spend the next three to four hours alternating between violently pulling your hair out at the roots and pricking yourself with a splintering toothpick.

Good times, right? That's what it's been like to be a Red Sox fan for the last couple of weeks. Now, we know as well as anyone that such torture is just part of what comes with being a sports fan. We did it for years without complaining (ok, we complained a ton, but we disguised it as "literature," so it doesn't count) - but that was before They Won It All. Perhaps we didn't think that all of our days of Maalox and heart palpitations were over forever, but we did think that those amazing eight straight wins last October would provide us with a couple of stress free baseball seasons, at least.

Alas, the Red Sox have managed to blow a comfy lead and are now tied with the Yankees for first in the AL East. Forced the play a doubleheader yesterday, the Sox split with the Blue Jays (THE FREAKING BLUE JAYS!!) despite jumping out to a healthy lead in the nightcap. Thus, they failed to capitalize on an Orioles win over the Skanks in which a 2 homerun, 6 RBI performance by everyone's favorite fan-friendly Yankee, Gary Sheffield, was wasted and the Yankees bullpen was exposed for being extremely faulty. (Hmm, who else does that sound like?)

With five days left in the baseball season, two things are guaranteed. The first is that the Red Sox/Yankees series that begins on Friday will be just as heated as last season's ALCS. Secondly, the Red Sox are to blame for my impending bout with alcoholism. As we try to cope with this stressful final five days of the season, allow me to remind you of these very important things which are sure to cheer you up:

1. This happened:


2. The Steal shall live forever in the form of...a painting.




3. Chicks Talk Football is back with shiny new artwork.


4. Bernie Williams: Philosopher - Read it again...for the first time.

5. We are NOT losing to this guy.

Adhesive tape.

His hamstring was held together by adhesive tape.

In a sport where a kicker is typically viewed as one step above a waterboy, David Akers proved yesterday why he is a fan favorite in a blue-collar city like Philadelphia, where they like their athletes big on talent and even bigger on heart. After collapsing to the ground after the opening kickoff, Akers appeared to be in pain all day. After botching a couple of kickoffs and skipping an extra point kick, Akers hobbled onto the field with the game on the line. Tied with the Raiders at 20, the Eagles gave Akers the chance to win the game with a 23-yard field goal. Any other year and fans would have been celebrating the win before Akers even made it onto the field. This time, nothing was certain, so breath was held and fingers were crossed.

As the ball sailed between the uprights, Akers dropped to his knees and shed tears that, according to post-game interviews, were more a result of physical pain than relief.

Not to be outdone, Donovan McNabb threw for 266 yards and two touchdowns, completing 19 of 28, in the second half despite a nagging groin injury suffered the week prior. A groin injury, it should be noted, that is now rumored to be a sports hernia, an injury that requires surgery. In the first half, McNabb had tried to quell the pain by throwing only with his upper body, but after going 11 of 24 for 99 yards, no TDs and an interception, he realized he'd have to deal with the pain for a chance to win. And deal with the pain he did as he led the Eagles on a 10-play, 75-yard drive to set up Akers' game winner field goal.

Former Eagles defensive end Derrick Burgess, who now plays for the Raiders, said after the game that McNabb "pulled a Superman." McNabb, always down to earth and overly humble, would surely laugh at such comparisons before explaining that his job is to lead the team to their goal of winning a SuperBowl and until he is physically unable to walk onto the field, that's what he'll do. "But I just love the game. I love being out there with those guys. We've battled through thick and thin. You just want to make sure you lead the team to where you want to go," McNabb said in his post-game press conference.

McNabb could have come out healthy and thrown for 600 yards. Akers could have set an NFL record for successful field goals on two healthy legs. Yet, Eagles fans would not have loved those performances as much as they did the two they witnessed this past weekend. Philadelphians love heart and grit and guts, and it's clear they've got those in abundance in Akers and McNabb.

You Are The Good Things

1. Anytime I see a band that I love play a really fantastic live show, it often leads to a month-long obsession in which I crave that band's music and am not content listening to anything else. This is almost guaranteed to happen after seeing the Decemberists live at the Ridglea Theater last night. I had seen them at SXSW a couple of years ago, but the fact that it was a shortened day show combined with the fact that I wasn't overly impressed with their first album left a lot to be desired.

And then came Picaresque, one of the most beautifully lush and verbose albums I've heard in years. The band's tales of suicide pacts and maritime adventures translate brilliantly to the stage, where they are transformed into a collection of witty one-act plays, both comical and morbid.

Their masterpiece, "The Mariner's Revenge Song," featured audience participation, arts-n-crafts props, and the most creative story of revenge ever told in song. However, the highlight of the night was "We Both Go Down Together," a heartwrenchingly gorgeous tale of a pair of lovers' suicide pact. The star of the song, the heartbeat of the melody, is Petra Haden's violin, the thought of which still inspires chills across my body.

Also, I learned how to scream like I'm being swallowed by a whale. So, there's that.


2. The Red Sox did not lose last night. An off-day has never been so exciting.

These Are The Kinds of Posts People Make When They Don't Have Time For Real Posts


1. Drop everything and download and watch the entire video of Allen Iverson on Stephen A. Smith's Quite Frankly. Simply put, it's the greatest video in the history of videos. I want to buy that video dinner, take it home, turn on the hot tub, and seduce the fuck out of it. Greatest! Interview! Ever!

2. WHAT DO THE BOSTON RED SOX HAVE AGAINST THE PLAYOFFS? WHY ARE THEY TRYING SO HARD TO AVOID THEM? IF I USE ALL CAPITALS IN A VENOMOUS RANT, WILL THEY STOP ACTING LIKE THE FUCKING KANSAS CITY ROYALS? FUCK.

3. The new Wolf Parade album, Apologies to the Queen Mary, and the new Rogue Wave album, Descended Like Vultures, are quite good. You'll want to run out immediately and pick up both of them.

4. The season premiere of Arrested Development was on the other night, and amazingly enough, the writing has gotten even better. Inside jokes and snarky one liners galore! "That's not a Volvo..."

5. This makes me happy:



6. Chicks Talk Football is back. And better than ever. Linkage is coming soon. In the meantime, you can email all of your wildest fantasies to chickstalkfootball AT gmail DOT com.

7. Go buy some baseball/football cards. Chris and I opened a couple boxes worth last night and it was like being 13 all over again. Minus the braces, bad hair, and overwhelming insecurity, of course.

8. I think it's time athletes took a class on the appropriate usage of the phrase "must-win game." For example, no LaRoi Glover, the Cowboys' week three game against San Francisco is NOT a must-win game.

It sure is a bitch, isn't it?

FLOWERY BRANCH, Ga. -- Atlanta Falcons cornerback Kevin Mathis, who was kicked out of the season opener against Philadelphia after a scuffle in pregame warmups, won't be playing this week, either.

Mathis injured his left knee in practice Wednesday, and the Falcons fear it could be serious. He was on crutches in the locker room and being sent for an MRI exam.

"It's at least a sprain," coach Jim Mora said. "It locked up on him. He'll have to be evaluated further before I can tell anything more than that. It's not good."
(from espn.com)

deja vu
n.

1. The illusion of having already experienced something actually being experienced for the first time.
2. An impression of having seen or experienced something before.

Last night we found ourselves huddled in front of the TV, our eyes glowing the reds and greens of the flickering screen, waiting for the inevitable. As we began to invent ways to keep our nervous hands busy, we realized that this time, it wasn't necessary.

This time, we already knew how it would end; it was just matter of when. All the signs were there. Tim Wakefield had just done what Tim Wakefield does best: he pitched as much as he could, and then he kept going. In nine innings he gave up eight hits, three walks (two intentional), and two runs. He struck out seven and threw 111 pitches in what will end up being remembered as just another typical Tim Wakefield type of game. Yet, despite his terrific effort, the Sox found themself in the bottom of the ninth with the score tied at two.

As David Ortiz made his way to the plate, baseball fans in New England sat up a little bit straighter while remote controls in California were picked up and index fingers placed on power buttons, ready, waiting.

Ball. Ball. Ball. Strike. Foul.

And then, Ortiz launched the ball into the dark Boston sky above Fenway, as he has done so many times before, and made his way around the bases before being met by a jubilant crowd at home plate.

As August becomes September and October creeps closer, Red Sox fans are learning how to watch a pennant race in a new way. This time, we're not the underdog. This time, we're not chasing the Yankees. This time, we're not buying Maalox in bulk and crying ourselves to sleep.

After last year's amazing playoff run, being a Red Sox fan now means being confident in your team's ability to win any game, no matter how many runs they've given up or how many errors they may have made. The Red Sox were once the team that left their fans wondering how many new ways the team would find to lose. Now, Red Sox fans wonder not when they'll win, but how. Who will be the hero this time? And just when you start to think that you've gone to the well too many times and that one player can't surprise you any more than he already has, David Ortiz finds a way.

The man known across New England simply as "Papi" is quickly becoming the most popular player to ever wear a Boston Red Sox uniform. He's not the best player, he doesn't have the best stats, and his name still isn't as flashy as a Manny or a Schilling, but with the game on the line, there's no one you'd rather have at the plate than him. John Henry knows it. The Yankees know it. The Angels most certainly know it.

And, of course, we Red Sox fans know it, too. But if David Ortiz wants to remind us every once in a while, we won't object.